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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 717 (some duplicates have been removed)
.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new scientific methods to predict its winner of the election, evenee meanee mine mitt? and getting ready for halloween, if are you like most americans you're already filled with candy. and my guest, mitch daniels is republican governor of indiana where the wind goes sweeping down the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, basele
. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, baseless decimations of who is going to win. now this much we know, folks. the election could be swung by one key voting bloc. >> women! >> stephen: yes! it's the ladies! who are they going to vote for? well, according to a new report on cnn.com, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study says that when single women are ovulatting they feel sexier and therefore lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (applause) that makes him the commander in booty calls. folks, i think this study
captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight this year's nobel prize winners are announced. i can't wait to see which economist won the swimsuit competition. then an cup date about a criminal loose in florida, that's right, i'm on to you, half of florida. and my guest evan thomas has a new book that says dwight d eisenhower was the father of modern nuclear policy. that we know of. the inventor of the cardboard bike says it will change the world. provided that change includes never raining again. this is "the colbert report." >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you sop much. i'm not sure, i'm so thrilled by that ovation but i'm not sure whether you are actually clapping for me or just trying to shake all the rain off your arms. but folks, you know me. i love seeing mankind overcome obstacles. that's why i'm alway
>> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you sop much. i'm not sure, i'm so thrilled by that ovation but i'm not sure whether you are actually clapping for me or just trying to shake all the rain off your arms. but folks, you know me. i love seeing mankind overcome obstacles. that's why i'm always pushing chairs in front of people. (laughter) and yesterday, another barrier fell as daredevil felix baumgartner became the first man to-- aaaahhhh-- (laughter) felix baumgartner became the first man to break the sound barrier in freefall. parachuting from a record altitude of 24 miles. ladies and gentlemen, this proves that our days of human exploration are not over. because we did it! we put a man on the earth! (laughter) (cheers and applause) it's a brave same world. (laughter) and folks, millions around the world tuned in to witness
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome. what can i say, i, i would have any one of you guard my fountain. (laughter) if anyone did that, and i don't think anybody does that. kind of a stupid job. (laughter) nation, now nation, we got to do this. nation, i'm a humble man. and i will shout that from the mountaintop. (laughter) so i don't like talking about myself. but i've got no choice. we're in a national crisis here. we need to rebuild this country's greatness. well, ladies and gentlemen, i have the blueprints-- no, scratch that. i have the red, white and blueprints. (applause) because this tuesday, october 2nd, i will release my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the book has pictures and everything. now i know what you're thinking folks, i know what you are thinking. s
>> stephen: hello! [crowd chanting stephen's name] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, everybody. folks, thank you so much. i gotta say -- [cheers and applause] thank you. folks, i gotta say you may know this already but people ask me all the time and you chanting my name, stephen, stephen, i think is my favorite karaoke song. [ laughter ] the romney ryan ticket is firing on all cylinders which say huge improvement for mitt who was previously just firing people. [ laughter ] now he's got the edge heading into tonight's all important presidential debate. into that unlike obama he was there for the first time. [ laughter ] we're taping this show, my show right now ahead of time so i don't know who won but i'm guessing mitt. because the venue was in nassau county, new york, just an average town of average americans earning an average income of $91,000 almost twice the national average. mitt can really relate to people making.91,000 a year. he does that every day. no one tell me what happens. i'm going to watch it on cnn later. we've got this grea
! oh, i am feeling good! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: oh, that's nice! (cheers and applause) anybody else do see that debate last night? folks, it a whole new horse race! mitt smoked obama! metaphorically, of course, mormons can't smoke! and folks, after last night's debate in denver our image of these two men has completely changed. and i am not the only one who knows it. >> it looked like romney wanted to be there and president obama didn't want to be there. >> stephen: yes! it was like obama wasn't even there. he hasn't done this poorly since he debated clint eastwood. (laughter) meanwhile-- (cheers and applause) meanwhile, romney was the alpha mitt, slapping obama around. and, anyone else who got in mitt away. >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i will stop other things. i like pbs. i like big bird, i actually like you too. but i'm not going to keep on spending money for things to borrow from china to pay for it. >> stephen: he just told
>> stephen: tonight, an october surprise that could bring down obama. and a rocktober surprise that could bring jethro tull to your town! [ laughter ] then, it's autumn. don't forget to go outside and watch the beautiful changing of mitt romney's positions. [ laughter ] and my guest, chrystia freeland, says the wealthy are leaving the rest of the world behind. yeah. that's kinda the point. [ laughter ] scientists have found a turtle that pees through its mouth. or has a penis that looks like a face. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." [ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) holy cow. wow. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable. you will not believe -- [crowd chanting stephen] oh, my gosh. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe bid
unbelievable. you will not believe -- [crowd chanting stephen] oh, my gosh. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting -- i know what who is going to win because the key to winning one of these debates is to lower expectations about your speaking skills. and biden's been doing that for four years. [ laughter ] plus he's gonna win. because the liberal media fix is in. >> critics raising concerns about the moderator in tomorrow's vice-presidential clear political bias. it turns out president obama attended abc correspondent martha raddatz first wedding back in 1991. this
and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) i think you can tell by the energy energy in this room we get it on most every night. (cheers and applause) welcome, welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation, i am still glowing from last week's runnaway debate victory for mitt romney. he's got the mitt-mentum. the mo-mitt-num. the rom-nentum. there's still no word for it, it's never existed before. he got a bump in the polls. campaign donations are rolling in. it's all good news! >> a september jobs report with the unemployment number now down to 7.8%, the lowest rate since the president took office. >> stephen: except for any news that is actually good. (laughter) folks, this .3% drop in the unemployment rate seems just a little too barely better than true. >> maybe it's a coincidence. >> a month before the election we have a number that comes out 1/10 below when the president took office. >> i'm not a huge conspira
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, our educational problems have new answers which we copied off the chinese kid in front of us. ( laughter ) them our nation's highways are in trouble. someone must have told them they were adopted. ( laughter ). plus my guest naomi wolf has a new book called "vagina." now i'm no english major but i detect a subtle sexual subtex. ( laughter ). the new york aquarium has a new baby walrus-- great, another brooklyn hipster with a ridiculous mustache. ( laughter ). this is the "colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: awfully nice. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report, good to have you with us. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, it is kind of that time of year to ask the question is this not-- ( cheers and applause ) , please, please. ladies and gentlemen, we could power my whole village if we could just put some jumper cables on your nipples right now and it's chilly enough to
said this, you show them. >> you can show them the moment. >> very cool technology. >> stephen: thank you wolf for sharing that moment with me of alex within the moment with brook a moment ago. [cheers and applause] if only -- isn't it cool? [cheers and applause] if only there was some way for people to capture this moment of me enjoying that moment. [camera sound] oh, wow, wow! wow, i've got to tweet this moment at wolf. hashtag filling air time. [ laughter ] there you go. all right. now, folks it's the time of year again when skeletal figures shrouded in black fill your mind with feemple the supreme court is in session. -- with fear because the supreme court is in session. the big case is fisher v university of texas. >> a decade ago the court ruled that race could be used as a factor granting college admission. today a new supreme court heard a challenge to that which could change the law of the land on affirmative action. >> affirmative action will return to the supreme court docket. it involves a white student female who claims affirmative action was the reason she was shut out a
song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones
was going to ask you. >> stephen: people tell me i'm white and i believe them because i look both ways before i talk about race. okay? all right. how does the law stand right now in this case? if the obama girls were amying to the university of texas would they get preferential placement because of race? >> the thing about them is you could imagine them having an advantage in admission because they are celebrity kids. >> stephen: just imagine just their father had nuclear weapons. african-american kids get placement under these rules? >> not necessarily. it's one of personal attributes the school can take into account. they don't have to favor an african-american wealthy public can't. >> stephen: what is this girl complaining about? >> she said it happened to her because it's possible race is in the mix for some of the kids who got in and she did not. >> stephen: what are the factors legacy, if your dad gave a library. >> community service, leadership, socioeconomic background. you have to write he ises is a. there's a long list of things. >> stephen: how do you think it's going to go?
in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the region. >> israel. our closest friend in the region. >> they have to abide by their treaty with israel. >> our ally israel. >> our bond w israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. (laughter) >> stephen: i was playing a drinking game last night where i took a shot of manischewitz every time -- (cheers and applause) every time someone said "israel" and by the end of the debate i was totally diabetic. (laughter) but, folks, this wasn't just about israel it was also about countries that pose a threat to israel. a threat that obama has d
w israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. (laughter) >> stephen: i was playing a drinking game last night where i took a shot of manischewitz every time -- (cheers and applause) every time someone said "israel" and by the end of the debate i was totally diabetic. (laughter) but, folks, this wasn't just about israel it was also about countries that pose a threat to israel. a threat that obama has done nothing to stop. >> we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. >> yes. four years after obama was elected, four whole years have passed. (laughter) the president did nothing to stop the march of time (laughter) not only is iran four years closer to a nuclear bomb, if you think about it, everybody is. even me! (cheers and applause) admittedly, i'm still far away. the mentos and diet coke stage. but still. (laughter) and, folks, mitt laid out his prosecution of the president's weak leadership. >> four years ago the president began what i called an apology tour of going to various nations in the middle east and cri
>> stephen: tonight, should churches endorse candidates? well, can you make an attack ad out of stained glass? (laughter) then, the candidates prepare for tomorrow night's debate. president obama has a whole new set of long pauses to memorize. (laughter) and my guest is univision news anchor jorge ramos. but it's my show so i'm going to call him george raymond. (laughter) the lead singer of creed says he won't endorse president obama! well, that settles it, obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to see you. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the "report." thank you for joining us. well, folks, that is the song that never ends. (laughter) folks, today is the biggest day in the history of publishing. since steve guttenberg invented the bible. (laughter) because today is the of
that the nobel peace prize for 2012 is to be awarded to the european union. >> stephen: oh, what a shock! congratulations, europe. you gave yourself the nobel peace prize. (laughter) that's the same humility oprah showed when taking her magazine cover mod-- when picking her magazine cover model. (cheers and applause) nobel committee chair thorborn jaglund explained their rationale. >> the european union has helped to transform most of europe from a continental war to a continental peace. >> stephen: oh bravo, europe. so well deserved. after all, it's been a whole 13 years since your last genocide. by this logic, by this logic, i should get the nobel prize for not murdering anyone lately. oh, that's right. i'm no longer eligible. (laughter) but since political unions can now win nobels these days i've got to ask, how about one for the united states of america. because i see-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah! because i don't know about you, i seem to remember someone putting an end to a couple of dustups that europe started. what were they called again? oh yeah, world war i and worl
>> stephen: tonight, russia tries to claim the north pole! mr. gorbachev, tear down this narwhal! (laughter) then mitt romney threatens iran. stop your nuclear program or he will cut off your pbs! (laughter) and my guest is music legend and animal rights activist morrissey in his honor, today my interns are free range! (cheers and applause) nasa's "curiosity" rover has found a small shiny object on mars. it's either the top of a giant metal city buried beneath the sand or a screw. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, please, nation -- (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please, ladies and gentlemen, you're too kind to me. nation, it has been 16 months since mitt romney declared his candidacy-- a month since he accepted the nomination and five days since he started running for president. (laughter) folks, he is surg
and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to see you. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the "report." thank you for joining us. well, folks, that is the song that never ends. (laughter) folks, today is the biggest day in the history of publishing. since steve guttenberg invented the bible. (laughter) because today is the official publishing date of my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) i wrote it! what! whoo! wait, wait, wait! stop, stop, stop! jimmy, jimmy, what's with the balloons? i thought we agreed we were going to drop books. (laughter) >> they would have killed you, stephen, they're too heavy. >> stephen: well, obviously we would fill them with helium! duh! (laughter) anyway, america again sets forth bold action steps that average americans can take to reclaim our country's greatness. action step number one: buy my book. (laughte
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 717 (some duplicates have been removed)